Dear Lord Diehardt
Thank you for your application for a government-subsidized apprentice under the national Apprenticeship Scheme to increase employment opportunities for our young people. I am sorry to inform you we are unable to proceed with your application for the following reasons:
1) The government is happy to consider apprenticeships in a wide range of areas, in both practical and office-based environments. Your wish to train “a nemesis and arch-criminal mastermind” is commendable but we do not feel it is an area we wish divert limited funds into. Further, the scheme seeks to develop skills that would equip a young person in the workplace in their future career and your suggestion is unlikely to lead to anyone developing a diverse range of transferable skills.
2) Before we could permit any apprentice to begin work, a full health and safety assessment of the workplace and main duties would have to be carried out. A cursory glance at your submission tells me your “lair filled with diabolical devices” may be something of a health and safety nightmare. “Fiendish plans” is insufficient in detail for me to assess the workstreams fully, but if there is any likelihood of utilizing said diabolical devices I can again foresee problems.
3) I’m afraid we are unable to provide a steady stream of new apprentices to you as you request. Normal practice is for a successful applicant to be employed for at least 12 months in a single role. If you are likely to “lose one a week” it might be wiser for you to review your work practices than to just replace the unfortunates.
4) Some of the examples of tasks you cite do not seem compatible with the ethos of the Apprenticeship Scheme. Rather than “learning to laugh maniacally” consider understanding the principles of a filing system. Perhaps “strapping an heiress to Big Ben’s clapper” could be replaced with a solid knowledge of Microsoft Office. Team working and time-management skills would be preferable to “tying knots too tight to escape from” either on rail-road tracks and overhanging mountains.
5) Lastly we feel you just aren't any good, are you? She’s a slip of a girl for heaven’s sake. Nothing you have done has held her up for more than a matter of minutes. If she is a swindled heiress, where is she getting the resources to visit the opera, the Rickenbacker Falls, London and who knows where to track down the Sultan’s dearly sought-after skull? Can’t you even get swindling right? When did mountain climber start to equal superhero? You simply aren't successful enough to set a good example to any young person looking for a sound start to their working life.
I do hope you understand the reasons for our decision. Details of our appeals process are in the accompanying leaflet.